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My wife and I have several Jewish female friends in their mid-30s who are still single. When any of them visit, our Shabbat talk inevitably turns to the people they are dating and how difficult it is to find a nice Jewish guy with whom to start a Jewish family and raise Jewish children.
One unpartnered friend, a rabbi, actually flew to Israel for in vitro fertilization and is now pregnant.
'I wish I would be married by now,' she says. 'But since I'm getting older and haven't found a soul-mate yet, I'm going to start my own family.'
These Jewishly involved single women could have other options, but those aren't sanctioned by the Jewish community. That's a mistake. It is time to remove the stigma from dating and marrying non-Jewish men.
The word 'intermarriage' has been the convenient scapegoat for many of the ills in American Jewish life. Countless sermons have been wasted on this topic, and its specter has launched numerous fund-raising campaigns for institutions that usually have little clue on how to creatively adapt to a changing community.
As a result, many of our Jewish leaders and even major philanthropists are finding that their grandchildren are not necessarily being raised Jewishly.
But not every interfaith marriage is a threat to Jewish continuity. My wife, who is a rabbi, generally does not officiate at interfaith weddings. But when a widowed Holocaust survivor and close friend of ours wanted to marry another close friend, my wife was supportive; clearly they were not going to have any children.
Which value is more Jewish? Holding the Jewish community's line on not performing interfaith marriages or the happiness of this couple? If my wife were a member of the Conservative movement's Rabbinical Assembly, even attending this wedding would be grounds for expulsion.
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One way of adapting would be to sanction, even encourage, Jewish women in their 30s to date and marry non-Jews. I am not suggesting that it is preferable for Jewish women to marry non-Jewish men, although I have seen a fair share of religiously unenthusiastic Jewish men hold back their wives' spiritual quests.
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However, I do believe that rather than remaining single, it is clearly preferable for single Jewish women in their mid-30s to marry non-Jewish men who are supportive of their spiritual journey and who will raise halachically recognized Jewish children.
To not enthusiastically embrace this idea would mean that our community is not concerned about the happiness and self-fulfillment of many of its most committed members. To denounce this idea fails to recognize an important, yet largely unstudied trend in Jewish life: That women, more than men, carry the spiritual spark of Judaism.
According to Sylvia Barak Fishman of Brandeis University, based on the percentage of bar to bat mitzvahs, more girls than boys are now affirming their commitment to the Jewish people. This is a remarkable development given that the bat mitzvah is a 20th century innovation.
Check out nearly every Jewish teen program, and you will see a gender mismatch: 60 percent girls to 40 percent boys. Sometimes female involvement is even higher, as in Brandeis University's Genesis Program, which attracted 40 girls and 20 boys last summer.
This imbalance applies to Israel programs, camps, youth movements, and non-Orthodox day schools, and has tremendous ramifications for the future of Jewish life. Even the Maccabiah sports games attract more girls than boys.
The implications of the gender gap in Judaism are great and extend far beyond the teen years. Synagogue membership and attendance rates are higher for women. Interfaith marriage is about 20 percent lower for Jewish women than for Jewish men. Personal religiosity, home rituals, participation in adult education, and other indicators of commitment to Jewish life tend to be higher for women than men.
A comprehensive 1997 survey by the American Jewish Committee found that the feeling of being Jewish is 'very important' for 60 percent of women and 41 percent of men.
Empowering and embracing Jewish women as spiritual ambassadors of the Jewish people to potential non-Jewish mates is a mitzvah on many levels.
First, they will be better able to participate in the commandment to 'be fruitful and multiply,' either by childbirth or adoption, in a more conventional family unit. Second, it allows our community to grow in strength and numbers, thus creating a critical mass of people to sustain our institutions, traditions and values.
Third, the impact of this kind of sanctioned intermarriage on the Jewish gene pool is positive, thus lowering the chances for couples to face impossibly painful decisions about the abortion of fetuses that will be born with Tay Sachs or other debilitating genetic diseases. Fourth, it sends an inclusive message about Jewish living to unaffiliated Jews who once wrote off the community as being out of touch, parochial, or racist.
I would rather dance at the interfaith wedding of my Jewish female friends who will raise Jewish children than continue to cling to an outdated communal expectation that perpetuates loneliness and lacks compassion.
If you’re a shiksa (non-Jewish girl) who is interested in getting to know and date a Jewish man there are a few tips that can help you to achieve dating success. Unless you are Jewish, or are already familiar with Judaism, Jewish culture, traditions and values, dating a Jewish man will require some consideration.
Jewish men love to date shiksas, but if you want to make progress in your relationship you’ll have to prove that you’re the special shiksa that stands out from all the rest.
1. Common Mistakes
One of the most common mistakes that people make is thinking that there is a Jewish language. Jews do not speak Jewish. They speak Hebrew and/or Yiddish. Whilst your genuine mistake may seem endearing when you first meet a Jewish man you’re interested in getting to know, your lack of basic cultural knowledge is unlikely to impress.
If you’re interested in dating a Jewish man make the effort to get to know something about his culture and traditions. Not only will you have something to talk about but you’ll also pique his interest in you. As a shiksa you’ll also need to learn typical yiddish words that Jews often use in everyday English conversation. Chutzpah, goy, klutz, mentsh, oy vey, shlep, schmmoze, schtick and tuches are common words you are likely to hear.
2. The Culture Clash
Jewish men who are respectful of their religion and faith gratify in tradition, especially tradition that involves family and good food. Jewish families embrace their heritage and your Jewish man is very likely to want to share this with you.
Traditional Jewish holidays, like Yom Kippur in October, start the day before, at sundown, and continue until sundown of the actual day. Yom Kippur is considered to be the holiest day of the year and any social plans you may have around this time need to be scheduled for another day, if you are serious about dating a Jewish man.
If your relationship becomes serious it is important to accept that Judaism is a big part of your Jewish man’s life. Besides his family, a large percentage of his friends are likely to be Jewish so conversion to another religion is non-negotiable for most Jewish men dating non-Jewish girls. Being sensitive to, and aware of, the importance of his culture shows that you are respectful of his faith.
3. Traditions And Values
Jewish families have many traditions that are centred on food and sharing. If you are a confident cook who knows the difference between matzo and challah you’ll quickly impress any Jewish man you are thinking about dating. The way to your man’s heart is via food, like his mother makes, so appreciating and valuing his traditions is important if you want to date your way into a serious relationship with a Jewish man.
The shadchan (or matchmaker) is no longer the only means of finding a suitable love match, for the single Jewish man. Whilst the shadchan still offers a valuable service to devout Jews, most single Jewish men prefer to rely on modern ways of meeting girls. Specialist dating sites offer a convenient way to connect with a mate who is looking for a serious connection.
In Judaism, higher education is considered to be one of the most important values. A Jewish man will be attracted to a girl (shiksa or Jewish) because of her intelligence, as well as her physical charms. If you’re dating a Jewish man let him know that you have brains as well as beauty.
4. Meeting His Mother
All Jewish boys are devoted to their mothers, and they are respectful of family traditions and demands of the faith. A Jewish mother ideally wants her son to meet a nice Jewish girl, who can carry on the family traditions. If you are dating a Jewish man don’t expect to meet his mother, and family, until he has made it very clear that he is serious about you. Being respectful of his mother’s wishes he doesn’t want to upset her by bringing home a shiksa he’s just casually seeing.
If your connection with a Jewish man develops and it grows into a serious relationship don’t expect to be immediately welcomed into the family with open arms. A Jewish mother is likely to test your patience and your commitment and faith before she considers you to be part of her son’s life, regardless of how long you have been together. If a Jewish mother doesn’t approve of you, your relationship has little chance of progressing beyond casual dating.
5. Positive Prospects
Most Jewish men are taught to keep an eye on the future. Many Jewish men have high-powered careers that take priority over any intimate relationship. The Jewish men you may be considering dating are likely to be doctors, lawyers, financial executives and successful entrepreneurs. If you’re looking for a potential partner with positive prospects make sure that you show what you have to offer. Demonstrate your intelligence, sensitivity, compassion, commitment and understanding of Judaism, if you want dating success with a Jewish man.